a new year usually brings excitement, resolutions, chances to change things & the desire to look at everything in a new light. in January, i felt like maybe there would be great chances for me to "fix" my life. since i've been back home, it seems like my life has be on a downward spiral & i have no motivation to continue as i did when i was happier. i finally set out to do something that has been on my heart for so long; finally thought i was taking this big step. -SSS- was going to be my fight for the souls of young people here in Harlingen, it was supposed to be me obeying my Father & following His voice. it all started out so enthusiastically - showed great promise. i spoke to a few bands who were very encouraging. i shared my vision, my desire, with others in hopes that their support would be enough for me to continue fighting & pushing forward. now, here we are, starting September with still nothing but the ghost of -SSS- and a seemingly empty shell of a warrior.
family isn't sharing a last name or blood, it's anybody that is loving and comprises a support system. unfortunately, my family isn't being very supportive lately. i feel as though when i left Dallas, i left behind my true family. the young people i met up there were very supportive, always letting the Lord guide their love for others. it's been a while since i've spoken to any of them. now, it feels as though i have nowhere to turn for support. sadly, this has caused a depression to grow inside of me. former desires have disappeared. i don't want to do anything i used to enjoy doing. nor do i look for a place where i "belong" anymore. but every now & again, i get a tug in my heart that reminds me of old thoughts, feelings, desires. somewhere inside of me, i know there's a reason i'm here AND i know there is something i will do because it has already been written. but still, it's hard not to wonder why i have yet to make a move or why i don't have the support to keep going. maybe it's not the right time, but is it SO horrible that i want it to be now?!
reading over this, it's hard not to see that the word "I" is used far too many times. how awful is that?! this has turned into a bruised ego complaining.
but is needing encouragement necessarily an ego-trip?
well, the way i see it: encouragement is necessary for growth. growth is good for everybody. the more one person grows, the more they can help others to grow as well.
so... where is the encouragement when it's needed? maybe in self-examination. maybe in seeking & listening to God. maybe in talking to old friends, former supportive pillars in your life. where ever it is, look for it & hold on as long as possible! but most importantly, dont forget to BE encouragement for others!
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it's amazing how reading over my old posts brings up so many crazy feelings.
started feeling sick late Monday & still not feeling much better. but hopefully it'll go away soon & i will be clear-headed enough to write a new post.
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